So a few entries ago I claimed to be on the path to doing an entry on shaving my face into the style of Lemmy Killmiester’s beard. Unfortunately my camera doesn’t seem to recognise awesome and so the pictures didn’t come out as planned. As a result, I’ve not got the pictures to do the style justice.
Instead, I decided I’d do a top 5 of my favourite facial hair ever. I know it’s not quite as great as seeing my half shaved poorly sculpted jaw, but it’ll have to do for now I’m afraid. So, without further delay, I present to you the greatest face fungus ever known to man, in classic Channel 4 desperate-to-fill-that-Wednesday-night-slot way, the top 5.
5. The Clemenceau
Championed by Georges Clemenceau, after whom the style is named, this walrus like upper lip ornament displays an air of pomp and circumstance, adding grandeur to whomever is bold enough to attempt to pull it off. It requires a full face, as gauntness is only accentuated by the fullness of the style. To be honest it’s just damn cool. I mean look at his face. He knows he’s cool, we know he’s cool, and there’s a reason he was such a large political figure at the end of the First World War, and that reason is his tash.
4. The Expansive Handlebars
I honestly couldn’t find out what Lemmy’s style is, but I like to call it the Expansive Handlebars, in that it’s like a handlebar moustache that just carries on up to your sidies. I mean that’s pretty damn awesome to start with, but when you throw in the awesome of Lemmy himself backing this style you get into the rather heady heights of super awesome. The fact that Lemmy has kept the style for almost 30 years is probably testament to just how great it is. Just look at it.
3. The Full Beard
Now when I say Full Beard I don’t mean just hair covering your face. I mean you left that sucker on there for years without bringing anything sharper than a fork near it. It has to be at least a foot long, and should make you look like a Dwarf who had a growth spurt. Great to look at, but I don’t envy those who sport it; it’s a lot of maintenance and probably alienates you from a lot of people. But I’m sure the sacrifice is worth it to have that on your face.
2.The Mutton Chops
Oh yeah baby, the mutton chops are back, and they’re not looking too bad for it either. I suppose this vilifies my grandfather in his long adhered to style, and while they don’t look half bad on an angry Canadian with spikes coming out of his hands, I’m still not so sure about them on an aging Englishman who tends the garden. But then that’s just me. Maybe you make the mutton chops, rather than the mutton chops making you.
1. The Musketeer
This really is the be all and end all of facial elaboration. You’ve got a great moustache there, and a crazy little tuft under your lip. It’s elegant while being a little zaney, and it contains just enough New World chic to be contemporary without forgetting it’s roots. Really, it’s just what you want in a beard. It’s not too all encompassing. It doesn’t hide your face. And it looks awesome. So that’s pretty much why it’s my number 1 beard.