Yeah I used this picture before. So sue me.

I’m really scared of shampoo. It’s a scary thing. And I’m not being some sort of unhygenic bastard who doesn’t like to wash his hair or anything. That was so last year for me. No, I’m scared of shampoo because it stings. It’s a load of angry soap suds millimetres from the delicate orbs known as my eyes. If God really is an intellegent designer, he’d have known we’d need to clean this matt of dirt that sits atop our heads, and to do so that means getting soap on it. So why put the eyes so close?

I’m really not sure how long I can string out this topic, but I’m going to go on a good old rant, mostly involving my proceedure to maintain eye safety. Oh, and just to get this clear, if you’re shampooing your hair, you don’t need to use showergel. That’s just wanton waste really. You’ve got a whole load of soap on your head, put it to good use and relocate it to your various dirty parts.

It’s not the lathering up that’s scary, although it does contain it’s own risks. It’s the part once you’re a white blob with a face and you have to get all this crap off you. You put your head underneath the stream, angling the water down the back of your neck so you get maximum cleanage for your soap, and everything starts going over your face.

This is the scariest part of cleaning for me. All these damaging suds streaming down my face, getting into crevices only water can get into, and I have my eyes squeezed shut so nothing gets in. Sure, I’m fine now, but what about when I open my eyes? Am I going to be flooded with stinging, eye burning pain? It’s a gamble every time, and while for the most part I’ve dodged the bullet so far, it’s only a matter of time.

So you cup your hands and fill them with water, and then splash it on your face to get rid of any residue. I usually do this two or three times just to be sure, and then tentatively open my eyes. The elation at finding out you’re not in horrendous pain is rather endorphic. But it only lasts so long as it takes to realise I’ll have to do it all again in a few days.

About Phill Cameron

I've graduated, had a look at the world, and spat. Now I'm devoting my time to moving from 3/4 of a games journalist to 9/10ths. I figure I can get away with 9/10ths.
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3 Responses to Hygeniphobia

  1. Clearly a man for whom Johnson’s baby shampoo was invented.

  2. schmidty says:

    “But it only lasts so long as it takes to realise I’ll have to do it all again in a few days.” … Gross, try the next day dude. If its such a hassle to wash your hair why don’t you shave it all off?

  3. Joann says:

    I was looking for something like this. My seven year old is Extremely afraid of shampooing. Goggles worked for him for a long time but one time he lost them, got his eyes stung, without them, and doesn’t trust anything anymore. I’m worried he may be like this well into his adulthood as well. Anyway, maybe you should try wearing goggles in the shower dude.

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