RAMming Speed

(It’s a pun.)

My computer is starting to creak. The caulk is all gone, and there’s water seeping in through the bilge into the bilge and it’s all getting really bilgy. By which I probably mean dusty, and worn out, but my metaphors are growing more and more nonsensical, and I’m losing grasp of my own meanings. Either way, it’s about time for an upgrade, and the first order for the day is RAM. It should be simple. I have some RAM. I want more RAM. I buy more RAM.

It’s not that simple.

I have a motherboard, and that has four RAM slots. I have two RAM slots being used, which leaves me two RAM slots to fill. Or, potentially, I could swap out my current RAM for better RAM, which will let me RAM more until I’m an unstoppable RAM force. That was the plan; buy four 2GB sticks of RAM, and have an overpowering 8GB of RAM, enough to survive me through the apocalypse.

Except I need to know that my motherboard will accept the RAM I want to buy, which are a pair of 2GB DDR3 sticks, to swap out my current pair of 1GB DDR2 sticks. I do not know what DDR means, but apparently it’s something to do with the shape of the sticks. And apparently, because I’ve got DDR2, I’m not allowed the numerically and technically superior DDR3. Which sucks, because that’s both cheaper and better, apparently. So I’m stuck with DDR2, I guess I can live with that.

Except I’m not only stuck with DDR2, but apparently my motherboard is weak like a blind, sickly kitten, and can only take 1GB of RAM per slot. Which is shit. And so now, after about three or four hours of messing around with a torch in my mouth and the side of my computer off, I now know a few things. They are as follows:

1. My computer is dusty enough to feed a family without functioning tastebuds. 1. is now rectified with the aid of angry, compressed air and a Dyson.

2. Computers have lots of slots, only some of which are for RAM. Initially, I was gleeful. ‘I can have 64 gig of RAM!’ I exclaimed, startling the cat and causing the dust to explode into my face and up my nose. This was before I rectified 1. I now know I only have 4 slots.

3. There is no way to check the make of RAM you have without opening up your computer, no matter how hard you Google ‘What kind of RAM do I have?’. Doesn’t matter how you phrase it, either.

4. I have a weak, crappy 32-bit OS. This means that even if I get 4GB of RAM, I can’t use all of it, because my OS hasn’t taken off its stabalisers yet, and it’s worried it might fall over. I am rectifying this by taking it out behind the Power Supply and applying Format to Hard Disc.

5. RAM is actually quite cheap, especially when it’s not the best. Which is a bit of a consolation prize, but at least now I can justify spending the better part of £100 on a second monitor. It’s the little victories.

So here I sit, slightly covered in dust and a little bit more knowledgeable about my computer. Who’d have thunk it?

I also have a blister on my toe. It hurts.

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About Phill Cameron

I've graduated, had a look at the world, and spat. Now I'm devoting my time to moving from 3/4 of a games journalist to 9/10ths. I figure I can get away with 9/10ths.
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One Response to RAMming Speed

  1. skusey says:

    It’s probably a bit late, but if you ever need to name a mystery computer part again try using CPU-Z. Very useful: http://www.cpuid.com/softwares/cpu-z.html

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